Dear Self,

No matter how much you try, you cannot walk through closed doors. You are not a spectral. You have physical properties and your nose will be broken if you continue to do so.

Signed,
Bruised and Battered Me


Dear Skin,

What's with you? I never had acne in high school and for that I am thankful. But, at the age of 27, breakouts?! Really? I have better skin hygiene than that of my ten-year-younger self. It doesn't make sense.
And this impetigo thing, yeah, it blows. I have tots. They like to touch my face. I have 2 dogs, one of whom is a puppy and likes to lick every-damn-thing, including me. I have a husband. I like to kiss him. Based on the location of you on my chin, you are making my life unnecessarily difficult. A chin is extremely hard to bandage anyways. And since I am allergic to band-aids, I do this thing with a gauze pads and paper tape that makes the lower half of my face look like I am a mummy in progress. And ohmyword, you itch like a b*tch.

Signed,
Itchy with a Slight Chance of Acne


Dear Rain,

I'm tired of you. You have soaked me to the bone numerous times today. I am sure the ground has enough water to last a while based on the multiple downpours today. And, this may be a universal thing, but short people tend to soak up a gallon of water or more in each pant leg. I am one of those people. I do not enjoy walking into a building feeling like I gained 10 pounds in my ankles alone. Besides, it makes a for a messy walk. So, please. Stop already.

Signed,
Lady who is in her 3rd pair of Pants for the Day


Dear HH,

Thank you for letting me sleep on what was supposed to be our date night. The tots thoroughly exhausted me yesterday and combine that with knock-me-on-my-arse effect of Benadryl to soothe the itch on my chin (see Dear Skin letter), I just couldn't keep my peepers open longer. And I really appreciate you carrying me to bed. You're more than I could ever ask for. Thank you.

Signed,
Well-Rested Wifey


Dear Inventor of the Lock & Key,

You really did come up with a great invention. I appreciate the fact that I can lock my doors and feel somewhat safe and sound in crazy world. However, you did not think about the moms in the world who have to park outside because they are in the midst of preparing for a huge garage sale and have a sleeping tot and still-hot Long John Silver's. Do you know how hard it is to unlock the door when all this is going on? And did I mention that said moms are probably wet because the rain is relentless? Oh, well, consider it said. Can you come up with an easier way to get in the door without dropping the most precious cargo ever, a sleeping tot? I mean, please? We're in the world of space travel and immediate communication all over the world.

Signed,
Overloaded & Wet


Dear Menards customer service guy,

Hi. I am not an abused woman. I just forgot to take my sunglasses off when I walked into your store and straight up to your counter. I was not covering black eyes. And the awkward bandage on my chin? Yeah, that's impetigo. It's a weird rash also known as infantigo that typically affects children aged 6 and younger. Yes, I know, I am far past that age, I'll just consider myself lucky to know this curse. You see, I'm a mom. We moms tend to do hare-brained things sometimes. We are the all-seeing, all-knowing, all-powerful to children. We can find the impossibly hard to locate shoes. We can whip up a somewhat healthy dinner in minutes. We know when report cards are coming and the dates of upcoming doctor appointments. We know the difference between the la-la-la song and the boy song. So forgive us if we sometimes forget something as simple as taking our sunglasses off. In all honesty, it's a miracle I even made it to your store in the first place.

Signed,
Married to a Wonderful Guy
Who Only Touches me in Loving Ways


For more letters, check out Shortmama at a Family of Shorts.