Reminders
Wednesday, July 01, 2009 Posted In Depression Sucks Ass , fears , Mean People Suck Edit This 8 Comments »
As a survivor of rape, there are certain things, reminders, that take my breath away and scream of innocence lost. I am sure that this is true for survivors of any type of tragedy or crime.
For me, there is a certain plaid that makes me ill. A certain name that I will forever loathe. The shortened form of that particular name, however, is fine.
Some reminders are subtle and just throw me off course a bit. Some are so minuscule that I don't even know why I was a bit irritated until a few days later. Ah, that certain cologne. Or a particular day.
Other things, however, are more forceful. They're a slap in the face, double-you-over reminder. Something that screams: I'm still here. Memories may fade but never leave. No matter how far past it you've come, it's still there. Taunting you. Threatening you. Scarring you deep to your core.
I had one of those reminders today. It was completely out of the blue.
Since then, my whole day has been off. I'm shaken. Torn apart from the inside out.
Immediately I was taken back ten years. The sights and smells became tangible. The pain real. The hurt renewed.
It pisses me off the effect that something more than a decade old has on me.
But I am a survivor.
And I am surviving.
For me, there is a certain plaid that makes me ill. A certain name that I will forever loathe. The shortened form of that particular name, however, is fine.
Some reminders are subtle and just throw me off course a bit. Some are so minuscule that I don't even know why I was a bit irritated until a few days later. Ah, that certain cologne. Or a particular day.
Other things, however, are more forceful. They're a slap in the face, double-you-over reminder. Something that screams: I'm still here. Memories may fade but never leave. No matter how far past it you've come, it's still there. Taunting you. Threatening you. Scarring you deep to your core.
I had one of those reminders today. It was completely out of the blue.
Since then, my whole day has been off. I'm shaken. Torn apart from the inside out.
Immediately I was taken back ten years. The sights and smells became tangible. The pain real. The hurt renewed.
It pisses me off the effect that something more than a decade old has on me.
But I am a survivor.
And I am surviving.
8 comments:
Good for you. Unfortunately there are things that will always be equated with horrible things or days or even long periods of time that we have gone through.
I guess they are part of what makes us who we are. Hope you feel better, though, soon.
Macey
Wishing you a better day tomorrow.
These Arms:
My arms are open
To keep you safe
My arms are open
To hold you tight
My arms are open
To show you love
My arms are open
To be your security blanket
My arms are open
For you to curl up in
My arms are open
And I will not deny
That if anyone ever tries
To harm you again
These arms will show them how they will D..
Dawn,
I love you! I am here for you. Keep fighting girl, cause you are doing great; and if you just so happen to crack remember these arms are here to catch the pieces.
I know exactly how you feel. I couldn't have said it better.
You are strong and loved by many! You are in my thoughts and prayers.
It does suck. I'm glad you're strong enough to have shared your story. I'm glad that now, you hopefully have the support you need when you do have those days. I'm sorry you ever had to go through it and doubt yourself in the first place, thinking you somehow caused that or that you did anything to deserve that. No one deserves that.((Hugs))
I'm so sorry that happened to you. I'm in that sad club, so I can relate a little. I love that your HH posted a comment for you. It is the people who love us who get us through the initial shock and the little reminders that sneak up quietly and hit us upside the head when we don't expect it. Take care and good luck.
Most people don't realize that it's not just the initial act that hurts. It's living with it for the rest of your life.
Stay strong - and *thank you* for being an inspiration to the rest of us :)
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